I’ve been thinking a great deal about something
Crystal Renaud said in her message this past Sunday at
Church @ Bethany. She spoke about the importance of speaking messages of love and affirmation into the hearts of our daughters and how damaging it can be to her self-esteem when those messages are lacking. I can tell you that this is equally important in the lives of our boys and young men.
I have not received a great deal of positive input from the father figures in my life. By the time I was 12, on was on Dad number 4 and the lack of connection and genuine father-son affection had settled into my heart and head as a pervasive sense that I was unlovable and unwanted by anyone with XY-chromosomes. My mom did her best to fill this void but there are needs in the heart of a young boy that a mother simply cannot meet no matter how much she may try. As Crystal stated I her message, the way a child – male or female – views their earthly father, the way a child’s relationship with their earthly father makes them feel will be carried over into their relationship with their heavenly father. This resonates with me so deeply because it is THE core issue that came to the surface during my 12-step work for porn addiction and has been extremely difficult for me to overcome. No matter how much a pray, no matter how many chapters of the Bible I read, no matter how many church services I attend, no matter how much recovery work I do…..there remains an emotional disconnect and lack of trust in my relationship to God. It is a major stumbling block to my desire to give myself over fully to His love and care because I’ve not ever experienced a relationship like that before. In my experience, fathers leave, fathers cannot be trusted, fathers are not affectionate, fathers promise a lot of things without delivering, fathers are distant and aloof, fathers love conditionally. My childhood has left me feeling that I am flawed, unworthy of love.
This sense of low self-worth clouds all of my relationships, prevents me from making truly genuine connections with others. I am always comparing, always measuring myself against others. And, wouldn’t you know, I always come up short. As excited as I was on Sunday to meet the infamous Hodgelodge –
Brent &
Tam – I was equally nervous to do so and nearly bailed. All those negative thoughts about myself began swirling in my head and I suddenly lost confidence in following through with the plan. Would I be what they expected? Would they be put off by my weight, my looks, the way I dress? Would I be witty enough, genuine enough, spiritual enough, would I make a good enough impression to be counted amongst their friends? Would I be enough? Enough, enough, ENOUGH!
All of this reminds me of one of my favorite songs by the band Sevenglory titled “Ever Be Enough”:
I’ve wandered for so long
seems like I’ve been down this road before
So long, I’m fading from the light
I feel your existence
Even now I have to close my eyes
Echoes in my head, feeding me lies
Send me fire from the sky, an angel from on high
My heart cries
Will I ever be enough?
Will I ever see
the beauty that’s inside, inside of me?
Will I ever be enough?
Will I ever see, the way you see me?
I’m lost in emotion
overtaken by my every breath
finding strength I never knew I had
A promise, a let-down
Back to where I did not know myself
You call to me, oh it must be someone else
Send me fire from the sky, an angel from on high
My heart cries
Will I ever be enough?
Will I ever see
the beauty that’s inside, inside of me?
Will I ever be enough?
Will I ever see, the way you see me?
For so long now I’ve left the thought of gaining any promise of new life
I’m living in the shadows
I look away just long enough to realize my life
Will never see tomorrow
Will I ever be enough?
Will I ever see
the beauty that’s inside, inside of me?
Will I ever be enough?
Will I ever see, the way that you see me?So, how does one overcome the internal dialogue of their past life experience? How can I reach a place where I stop keeping God at arms length and give in to the fullness of His embrace?
Father God, please help me to see myself through your eyes and not the eyes of a wounded childhood. Father, heal my inner child so that I can see that my worth is not defined by the hurts of my past but in the hope for my future. Remind me, Father, that I am fearfully and wonderfully made in your image and, therefore, of infinite worth. Amen.Be blessed.